Blog dump for the end of 2023
I haven’t posted on this thing in so long. It doesnt mean I havent written tho. Now that I have put myself out there, it seems much harder to continue to do so. I asked my son what he wanted for christmas and he asked me to post everything i have written. None of these entries are finished. None of them feel like they are worth posting. When I told him this he said who cares. They are you real and thats what I should post. He isnt wrong. HARD!!!!!!!
He did ask me to proof read them. LOL!!!! I will try! Here we go. I am posting the oldest first and seperate each on in this same page.
Weepy days July 18, 2023
Do you ever feel like if you cry once during the day, the dang day is just a weep fest. Today was that day for me. I woke up just fine. Happy as one can be. I was listening to the book about Nashville and slavery. I got 2 pictures sent to me of me and my son. They are beautiful. My son and his smile is just the best. Started tearing up because of happiness. That’s the best kinda cry!!
Ugh then the book. This book was pretty dang good for a rando find. Under the Tulip Tree by Michelle Shocklee. It’s based on the Federal Writers' Project from the late 1930s. I had no idea what that was. I love historical fiction. It’s based in Nashville so that was an extra fun part of the book. Anyways. Cry cry cry cry.
After that, every little thing that happened. Weepy weepy. WHY!!! My dog. Cried. Pretty flowers cried.
Are you wondering where I’m going with this post. I used to cry ALL the time. It wasn’t just this silly weepy stuff I just told you about. It was lay on the floor crying all day. Laying in the bed crying. Sitting in the bathroom at work crying. Omgah my co-workers!! I had to have made them so uncomfortable. I was depressed. I needed help. Yeah I knew I had a few legit bad things going on but I also was aware my life was good.
Admitting you’re depressed and wanting help while you know your life is good. How does that even work right?
So back to today. Although I have literally busted into tears every hr or so for no good reason it’s frustrating. it kept me from doing some things I wanted to do, I can honestly say that this weeping was way different than that hell of a time.
I can take a look at all the things that made me cry today and say blah!!! Tears are ok. I could stand back and see that I was ok. I didn’t let it keep me down all day like before. I cried while I made bobbins. (so glad I was at work by myself today)
Therapy, medication, doing the work. I totally get that therapy and medication isn’t for everyone. It’s HARD!! Learning how to look at things different is the best thing I have found about therapy. I don’t go as much as I was. I’ve “graduated” hahahaha! My therapist is leaving that up to me. I still need to be held accountable for my bullshit. My psychiatrist has asked me if I want to try coming off my medication. I’m not ready for that.
Trusting yourself and your own thoughts is so hard. How many times have I written hard? I don’t do that very well. I still second guess everything. I am still so self conscious to the extreme. Im still learning!!!
Learning. August 18, 2023
I am learning how to communicate. I am learning how to trust myself. I am learning that I need to believe myself more. I’ve gotten stumped on this site. Why… because I don’t think that my art is good enough. It doesn’t matter how many of you all tell me that it is good enough to sell, my brain says NO. Or is it my heart that saying this?
August 30, 2023
Once upon a time Jacque couldn’t get her head straight.(will I ever??!) When she gets too much in her brain, she just doesn’t function well. When she doesn’t take care of herself she gets weepy, scared, unsure.
I am a firm believer of using the tools that you are given and mine is medication. I have a hard time doing the simple things such as refilling prescriptions, making appointments, remembering what I should be doing. When you don’t have the tools to help regulate yourself it’s soo hard. When you sabotage yourself oh my god !!
This week I have realized that I haven’t taken 2 of my medications. Both have affected me along with hormones from the "curse". Everything is so much more intense because of this. My emotions have been nuts.
I know I am talking about my tools being medication. I am aware that isn’t the best option for everyone. Tools used to handle day to day life are different for everyone. If you lose your tools, or forget them, life can get a bit more wonky. People deal with that in all kinds of ways. I deal with tears and snarky comments. Or tears and SHUTTING DOWN.
Luckily I have beautiful friends to help me out. Feeling less than is where my brain and heart go to every time. When you have a group of people you can depend on, use them. When people ask you to let them help you, let them. That’s real hard for me. I don’t ask for help. I don’t want help. I do it all myself. I know that doesn’t work.
What am I learning from all of this? Life is hard sometimes. Making good choices is sometimes hard. I’m learning how to handle certain things differently. When I know I don’t like how things are going, I am trying to learn to take a breath. Take a break from the communication. If I don’t, I know I am terrible about spouting garbage and regret it. No matter if that garbage is valid to me, there is usually a better way.
When feelings and emotions get hurt, my mouth wants to just spew ugly. It’s my default. If you know me, you know.
Now let’s chat about goals and actual follow through. My goals after I launched this site was to get prints of some of my art made to start selling. Selling to help the ladies out!!! Lol.
I have ordered two different prints. One of them I’m super happy with. The other, meh. See, I have probably 6 folders on the Mac of these drawing. That is never a good idea. What’s that saying Clara? A man with too many watches never knows what time it is. When I ordered the mandala print, I didn’t pick the right file. But…. I did order. That’s how I’m trying to look at it. I set tis goal a few months ago and when I finally decided my art IS good enough to sell, I bit the bullet a bit too soon. Hahahaha. Maybe give me a half of a high 5.
Changes happen so fast Oct 22,2023
Within the past few months my little life has been flipped and flopped. I am in the beginning of a new relationship and I now have a roommate.
I was not looking for a relationship or a partner when I met this fella. Im trying to find the balance between the new comfy zones that I enjoy so much and me wanting to bail every single day to stay home in my comfy zone ALONE.
When my therapist asked me if I have any red flags with this new person, I giggles and said ALL OF IT. Not because of anything to do with him. It’s really just the fact that I’m selfish at this stage in my life. If I make plans and decide I really don’t want to leave my house, I stay in. I do know that this behavior is not the best. I want to be more respectful to the people who I make plans with. I want to be able to push myself to get off the couch and out of the house. I will 90% of the time truly enjoy myself when I get out in the world. It’s sooo hard. Spending money and going out is not my fave. Being around a bunch of people is not my fave. Projects and comfort is my fave.
Roommate…. Scary thought right? Being 43 in a house that is less than 900 square feet. Plus, a dog and 3 cats. This was not a plan. This was not what I needed. I really didn’t want to disrupt my new relationship.
I remember what it felt like to go through a hard time in my life and I needed a safe space to live. I also had a small child at the time. The place where I went in the beginning was not my family. Well, they were and still are my family. I am proud to say that these wonderful friends are still apart of my life, 20 years later. Having a safe place when you have to juggle all the things during a hard period is important.
Having my roomie so far has been great. She has coffee ready every morning. She has a 3 month calendar hanging in shared space along with 2 whiteboards. She is determined to help organize my life.. HAHAHAHAHA good luck LADY. I don’t think I would have jumped at this arrangement if I didn’t know her so well. We have been friends for at least 15 years. Bless her heart that she chose me to crash with.
With these two big changes in my path right now, I have put this to the side for too long. I need and want to stick with this and make this a “real” thing. I want to continue to help other ladies work through their life. I want to create a safe space for women to reach out and find comfort. No judgment at all.
As Im typing this, I’m thinking of all the hard times I have gone through. Some I feel like I created. Some I feel like it was the hand that was dealt to me. Some, I can totally say they are caused by others. Lol I want to help women who have been told this is your fault. You have caused this mess and now you have to lay in it. We have all made bad choices in our lives. We all could have done better. IF you learn one thing from it, you have won.
Facebook post Posted November 28,2023
Taken 2018 This picture says so much. Yes I was out having some nature time. I’m smiling and I feel it’s a good picture of me.. Truth is, this was the hardest time of my life so far. I was in the middle of some big changes in my life and I couldn’t handle it. My heart, my head had a enough.
I didn’t think I was going to make it. I didn’t want to be in this dumb world anymore. I MADE IT.
This isn’t a pitty post. It’s a post to say hey look. I looked happy. I looked content but inside I was not good. Check on your people. If you know your people have a difficult time over the holidays, check in. They need you. My pops and mom were there. My friends were there.
I am so so grateful that I got the help I needed. MENTAL HEALTH is so hard.
Welcome 2024 Jan 8,2024
First off, it’s been awhile.I started this year with a lot on my plate. The last 3 months of 2023 were amazing. There were a lot of pieces to fit together and to be honest I’m not sure if I didn’t try to squish to many pieces into my puzzle.
A relationship that I didn’t want at the time has turned into something I needed. An old friendship entering my life in a whole big new way is something I needed too.
When you feel like you always want to be by yourself because it’s easier and then it turns out, having people around kinda makes life more fun. Lol and way more frustrating.
This is what I am struggling with right now at this moment. I want to write about the challenges I have had and how I have felt I have over come things but how do I do that without writing about the people in my life.
Here it goes.
Communication is key in everything. That is one thing I feel like I have grown so much on. Being honest and open to what I want and saying the words instead of holding them in. They may not come out 100% clear but flattering somewhere is better than not.
Forgiving and not just getting so frustrated and shutting down. Wanting to try and work things out and build that trust has been hard. Learning!!
Excepting people for who they are. It’s what I want everyone to be with me. Excepting of my flaws. I have to do that too.
Realizing that the people in my life have a right to their feelings the same as I.
People’s space
Words are hurtful
Except help
I don’t have to do it alone
